You know the saying….’The more the merrier’? We throw a party and think…the more people we invite, the better it will be! #Whoop #PartyVibes
What ends up happening? More people…more problems, more drama…. Staying on the party train analogy, having kids….it’s kind of like a never ending party. You know the one where you’re the only sober one?
- Trying to keep your drunk friends from running out into the street
- Trying to grab a bucket to stop them from puking on themselves
- Putting out snacks all the time
- Constantly picking stuff up off the floor
Really…doesn’t this sound like #MomLife? I thought I’d do a summary of what it’s like in my house to have 3 kids.
1. We’re guaranteed to never have a full night of sleep again
We’ve literally in the last week seen the Toddler change his sleeping habits….and he no longer consumes a FULL ONE LITRE of milk during the night anymore. This drinking habit caused hubby and I to be waking up around 4, 6 times a night and usually with a sopping wet bed. Disclaimer: We did NOT choose co-sleeping. The toddler demands it. He now drinks a more modest 200mls, sometimes less, so we’re actually getting some solid shut eye.
However, the first night we were destined for a full night of glorious sleep, Addison (8) woke us up (poor Joshua (5) in tow), she’s sobbing…she had a nightmare. I literally roll my eyes and go: So what do you want me to do? Off she goes and I think…’thank you, they’re off to bed’. Nope, only to have Tweedledum and Tweedledee return with pillows… they’ve decided where they plan to sleep for the rest of the night. The Husband is pretending to be asleep..he don’t want no part of this….
Joshua is a skinny little thing, so I tell him to sleep between hubby and I and I tell Addison to grab a spot by our feet. Nope..she wants Joshua next to her…so yay for cramped leg space!
This is just one of many similar stories. 2 nights ago we woke up to find Joshua just lying on top of the husband…fast asleep. We have no idea when he got there. He’s sneaky like that.
2. Having a clean house is a pipe dream
I wish you could know the depth of anxiety in my soul when I hear the door bell ring. I always pray it’s somebody asking for bread (or handing out bread)…and not somebody asking to please enter our place of residence…..because people…. The struggle is real! I have a nanny 3 days a week and that poor woman will leave the lounge floor spotless on a Friday afternoon. Come 6pm Friday and it looks like a tsunami of bread crumbs and yoghurt was unleashed on my floor. Saturday morning I will pretend to want to clean it up and thankfully hubby will rush to my rescue to do it. (I have a bad back and all that…for real…) So he will then have it spotless, sweeping and mopping like crazy. 2 hours later….it all goes to shit again. It’s like groundhog day.
We won’t even go to the fact that my kids do not seem to know that dirty clothes go into a LAUNDRY BASKET. That dirty dishes are not for collection around the tv or computer.
I don’t think I give them the impression that we like to live like pigs. I think I do a fair amount of screaming, threatening and begging indicating that I would prefer them to clean up after themselves….but apparently the message is lost on them.
3. We will be poor…really poor
So kids….das expensive! School fees, extra curricular activities, clothing, food, toothpaste….etc. Added to that…Addison seems to think that I am her employer. And I use the word ’employer’ very loosely, because a. She demands pay when it suits her and b. She doesn’t actually do anything that I tell her to do.
We have an arrangement that if she tidies up after herself (this is part of the begging happening in point number 2) she gets 5 bucks a day and that goes towards her tuckshop money for the week. Needless to say this worked successfully for one day where she demanded 4 times the going rate. I paid her the 20 bucks in the hope that it would motivate her to stick to our deal. Needless to say that was not the case. She actually refuses to pick up things most days. She at random times asks me for this week’s wages because apparently she picked up a tupperware 3 days ago and I still haven’t paid her for it. She still gets tuckshop money and I still have a house that looks like a pigsty 😦
4. Toothpaste is a pain in the a$$
Have you seen my kids ages? So Addison needs toothpaste for kids over the age of 5. Joshua gets the ‘age 2-5’ toothpaste and the Toddler (Adam) gets the ‘ age 0-2’ toothpaste. I will religiously make sure I pick up the 3 separate tubes for each kid when I go toiletry shopping, because heaven only knows what can happen if my 8yr old uses toothpaste intended for a 5yr old???? *cue scary music*
When the fun activity of ‘Let’s brush our teeth’ comes up once a day, do you think I can find one tube of toothpaste? They all then end up using my expensive toothpaste…and go figure, they’ve survived! And in the event that we do find each kid’s toothpaste, rest assured there will be complaints. It’s too strong…it’s too pink. This isn’t mine! I won’t use it! It tastes like garbage! How do you know what garbage tastes like??
Okay kid…go to school with yellow gunky teeth and foul breath…..
5. Third parent syndrome
My eldest seems to think that she is the 3rd parent in our household. This would be great if she used this super power to take care of the kids, earn a salary and change poop nappies occasionally. Right? Now you know the saying….’With great power comes great responsibility’! Her sole reason for claiming this title, is to overpower and annoy her 5yr old brother. So she can boss him around, so she can make him hand over control of the TV, computer, his chips….whatever she feels like claiming in that moment. I usually hear her saying: Josh you know you need to respect me and do what I say!
Pity those words of wisdom don’t apply to doing what the ACTUAL parents tell them to do….
6. Mayhem and destruction
How? Broken glasses, broken dishes, broken drawer handles…basically anything that can be broken will be broken. Makeup…the toddler has emptied out at least R1000 worth of face creams and serums in the last month, and we all know that sad tale of the highlighter that lived….
Furniture….my eldest used to stand at the TV stand and watch TV (yes we’re those kind of parents) and we didn’t realise she was picking pieces of the ‘wood’ off until one day we realised the TV stand looked like a stripped car standing in our lounge. We bought another one and it seems this thing is genetic, because with the next one, she and middle kid combined their efforts in destroying the new one. Doors off, material pulled off…their work there was done. I have now vowed to never buy anything new until my youngest is about 10. So my tatty broken furniture, along with my filthy house, you understand the dread when the doorbell rings!
I know many of you who have your shit together or those of you who don’t have kids are thinking…wow this just sounds like the kids run the house and you allow it. You know what….maybe they do. I have a husband that travels, I get home late from work, life…. I just figure for now…I pick my battles. And to be outnumbered by the kids, well, you do the math…we can’t win!
I’m waiting until they’re teenagers…I plan to wake them early, make them do chores. Kiss them goodbye in front of their friends. I have all sorts of revenge planned for what they’ve put me through….. Channeling my inner Emily Thorne! Until then I remind myself that they’re cute kids….and I don’t think I’d like jail…..and occasionally……this ❤